What If?

On my return flight to Newark from Atlanta, I had an epiphany; I live in a daily state of fear. Before boarding the flight, a family wanted to switch seats so that they could sit together. So I gave up my beloved window seat for an aisle seat. It made me extremely uncomfortable to not be sitting next to the window, but I didn’t notice it until we were landing. I like to look out the window to see while the plane is landing. I wasn’t going to be able to see during this flight and it didn’t help that the person sitting next to the window had the shade closed.

When the plane started to descend, I started to panic. What if the plane wasn’t able to lane, what if we had to continue circling around the airport, I imagined terrible possibilities of what could happen. Having my daughter with me only increased my level of anxiety. My heart was in my chest until the plane landed. After going through this experience on the plane and being aware of it, I reflected on previous situations like it.

I noticed that I always imagine the worst during situations where I don’t now the outcome. In the car when I have to stop short or someone coming out of a door unexpectedly, I experience this type of fear on both a micro and macro level. The level of fear that has come with following my dreams is on a macro level. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done in my life. This is foreign terrain, I don’t have a map, don’t know where this path is leading.

I could potentially be heading towards my greatest failure, but I won’t know unless I try. Although it’s frightening, I don’t want to live with any regrets. I can allow fear to motivate me or cripple me, but the choice is always mine. If I’m going to be able to continue down this path I have to be willing to walk boldly towards the unknown. It’s uncomfortable, scary, and anxiety provoking, but I must do it. I don’t want to wake up one day and think, “What If?”

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